If you are a natural giver, empath, or genuinely caring person, but tend to overgive or overextend yourself in relationships, this article is for you.
“Please teach me about selflessness”.
There are many prayers, mantras, and spiritual practices we can adopt to cultivate selflessness and see things from a higher perspective, so that we focus on the greater good of all rather than getting stuck in our own limited perspective.
And in today’s world, they are probably needed more than ever.
However, as with all things, these practices (and giving in general) can turn into something unhealthy if taken too far.
As beautiful as the practices are, and as wonderful as it is to give, the practices sometimes are taken too far when they are interpreted by the mind, especially the mind of those of us who are already rather selfless, open, and kind, and tend to be natural givers.
When it happens, the mind interprets what it thinks the prayers or practices mean and tries to live and act accordingly. So, instead of opening up to the larger reality beyond the words that they are pointing toward, the mind sometimes tries to adopt a way of acting that it thinks is selfless.
And then, the practices can turn into overgiving and people-pleasing, instead of bringing back the healthy selflessness and the openness to something larger that they are meant for.
Overgivers usually don’t need to learn to give more
The practices mentioned above are not always helpful or right for “overgivers”, especially for those who try to interpret them and “do the right thing”.
Most overgivers don’t need to learn to give more, act more selflessly, or give away their energy and attention. They already know how to do that.
Instead, many actually need to practice selfishness and even being a taker (to a healthy extent) rather than take on yet another practice of selflessness.
Being overly selfless can lead to exhaustion if we don’t stop in time.
We can’t constantly be wide open to the people or energies around us, carry other people’s emotions, or tend to everyone else’s needs – even if we are empaths and feel what others feel, and even when we see what they need.
Even we who are givers and empaths need to have a clear sense of self. We need to be embodied. And a certain level of selfishness is healthy.
Bringing back your inner taker
Before I move on, I’m curious: If you are a natural giver, or even an overgiver, how does the thought of being more selfish feel? Or the idea of being a “taker”?
Does it feel too much? Unspiritual? Bad?
Breathe and let it sink in for a minute. See how your body responds to it.
I know the words might trigger you, like many words related to our so-called shadow, but by trying on those new traits, you are trying on the opposite of how you usually respond to life and others. And likely the opposite of how you see yourself.
It might feel uncomfortable, but the reality is that the opposite of “the giver” needs to be there too for you to be balanced.
And that opposite, your inner taker, is already there somewhere inside. It’s there in all of us to some extent. But if you are an overgiver, you have likely closed it off at some point in your life.
When we reject and close off aspects of ourselves, there is always a reason.
So if you have closed off your innate (so called) selfishness, it might be because there was no room for it when you grew up, or because someone made you feel ashamed when you wanted or needed something, or because you didn’t feel safe.
So, you had to set that aspect aside (and store it away inside) and open yourself to the needs, energies, and emotions of the people around you.
You might even have survived because you did that, so at one point, it was probably necessary.
But you want to bring that part back to restore the balance.
You will not become overly selfish
Many givers’ biggest fear is to become selfish or to act selfishly – or even act in their own best interest, because they believe that’s selfish. And they are so used to giving and helping.
But you will not become selfish, or overly selfish, by learning healthy selfishness – or by bringing that hidden aspect of yourself back into the light from the place inside where it’s stored away.
The parts of us that cause problems are the hidden and unconscious ones, not the ones that are in our awareness, the ones that are integrated.
So, you will not go from being an over-giver to becoming an over-taker.
You will simply bring back an aspect of yourself that’s already there (although it’s hidden) and allow it to take up its natural space inside —the space it would have had naturally if it had not been closed off and covered over at some point in your life.
When you do that, it will not cause you problems, because it’s integrated so it doesn’t take over.
When we overgive, it’s the ego that’s giving
If you are still not sure or still afraid of becoming selfish, I want to give you another perspective that might change your mind a bit:
When you overgive, or are an overgiver, it’s not really you that’s giving. It’s the ego in you.
Yes.
People often think of the ego as the selfish or dark side of ourselves. But the ego is simply our conditioned/learned self, with all its behaviors.
So what the ego does can look both “good” and “bad”. And since that’s the case, you can’t tell if something you do is the ego just by looking at the behavior itself. It all has to do with the driving force underneath the behavior.
So, the question is: is the behavior genuine, or is it something you do because of an unconscious need to be needed, for example?
The key here is to understand that whatever the ego does, it’s not authentic. It’s not you.
And if you are overgiving or acting in an overly selfless way, it’s not your true self that’s doing it, even if the behaviors themselves look good or spiritual. It’s something you learned or were programmed to do. And it benefited someone at some point in your life, and it probably still does.
It’s not kind to leak your energy
What you just read can be a hard truth to take in.
It can also be tricky to recognize it because giving (or helping or setting our own needs aside) is often seen as something good – especially if you are a woman or a spiritual person. And it looks kind.
But it’s not kind when it’s conditioned.
It’s not kind to YOU to leak your energy to people, places, and work environments that drain you.
And it’s not kind to you or others when you help them because you have an unconscious need to be needed.
Here is something to think about: If you do have an unconscious need to be needed, do you really see the people in front of you? And can you really see what they need? Or do you only see them through the lens of your wanting to be helpful?
You might miss a lot of things about them if that’s all you look for. And what happens when they no longer need your help?
Hm…
Some people who are codependent, for example, might experience this: On some level, they don’t want the person with addiction or another disorder to get well, even though they believe they want that, because what would happen to the relationship? What happens if the person gets well and wants a completely different life?
So, how does the codependent with those hidden feelings react when the person with addiction makes progress? Do they celebrate with them? Or do they do something that makes the person with addiction feel bad, rejected, or unseen? Something that might even push them back into the old behaviors?
This is reality for some people.
So, it’s not always only the taker or the person struggling with addiction that benefits from such relationship dynamics. The giver or codependent often gets something too, even if it’s unconscious, many times.
You can be an empowered giver
The answer to why we leak energy, overgive, or become stuck in unhealthy relationships is usually unconscious, so it’s not your fault if that’s your reality right now. It comes from some deeper hidden place.
But, as you may realize, it’s not healthy to keep living in that way.
The good news, however, is that you can change, and that it’s not too late.
If you find the inner place that holds the moment that made you leave yourself in the first place, you can heal the part of you that believes it has to overgive or overextend itself. The part that thinks you are too much or that your feelings don’t matter as much as others, or that you need to be needed, pleasant, or useful to be loved or safe.
If you heal that part and bring back your healthy selfishness from where it’s hidden, you will no longer feel obligated to give your energy unless you want to.
You may still be a giver, but it will be genuine. And to the right people.
Ask the universe to teach you about selfishness
So, as a first step, if you want to explore (and if you are comfortable with it, of course), do this:
Tonight, before you go to sleep, ask the higher knowing, God, or the universe – depending on what name you like to use – to teach you about selfishness, and where you need to bring it back into your life.
If that feels too much, you can say healthy selfishness. But don’t ask to learn to set boundaries even if that feels safer, because that’s something else.
This is not about boundaries. It’s about bringing back a natural aspect of yourself – your inner taker.
Your inner taker may be part of your so-called “shadow”, but it’s not bad at all when it’s integrated. It’s part of you, and it helps you be you. It also protects you from being invaded by others who benefit from you being selfless in an unhealthy way.
The benefits of bringing back your selfishness
When you bring back your natural capacities, setting boundaries is not so difficult. It becomes more or less automatic – because you fill up your own inner space.
So, when you bring back and integrate your own healthy selfishness or inner taker, you will no longer automatically give away your inner space, time, or energy to others.
So, if you tend to attract “overtakers” – people with the opposite tendencies (people who are selfish in an unhealthy way) – who feed on your selflessness, which is often the case for overgivers, that will begin to change.
If they still come into your life, they won’t be able to stay for long unless they change too, because you will see what they are up to now when you are no longer unconsciously overgiving or afraid of being selfish.
So, they will now have to be responsible for their own actions. And they will have to find and integrate their own selflessness (which is the other side of the coin) if they want to be whole, instead of relying on yours. And that helps their healing.
So, as you can tell, there are so many benefits.
And now, when you are no longer giving away your energy and attention to those kinds of relationships or problems, maybe there is something more fun you would like to do?
Imagine what you could do with all that time.
Asking the universe
So tonight, ask the universe to teach you about selfishness, and to bring back your inner taker. And see what happens.
You might receive some vital insights or discover some new and powerful aspects of yourself you didn’t know were there – aspects that you really like.
Let me know how it goes!
