Codependency can occur in all kinds of close relationships.
Sometimes, we may find ourselves in relationships with people with unhealthy behaviors that affect us and others. It can be our intimate relationships, but also friendships or family. Those behaviors can result from underlying unprocessed pain in the person acting them out. And if we don’t pay attention, we may be drawn into those issues and become part of them.
Some people have healthy boundaries from the start and choose to leave when they become aware that the person has issues. Others learn to do so, which comes from the experience of doing the opposite earlier. And some are stuck in relationships where they are codependent and enabling unhealthy behaviors.
I am one of the people who have learned to set boundaries and leave when I need to. I have learned the hard way not to accept or give in to unhealthy behaviors, even when they appear innocent initially.
Since I have gone through some painful experiences in this area and one particularly painful separation, I know that codependency or enabling is never the answer to solving someone’s problems.
It is never a good idea to adjust to someone else’s unprocessed pain and the behaviors that come with it. Not for you or the other person.
We all must take responsibility for our pain and issues. And there are ways to be there for the one you love without conforming to their unhealthy behaviors.
Why it’s essential to distinguish between the person and their problems
When you love someone, you want them to be well. So if you can do something to ease that person’s pain, you may want to do that. It is natural to want to be there and help them.
But with unprocessed pain and issues, which can be all from lack of empathy to addictions, eating disorders, mental health issues, and so forth, distinguishing the behaviors that come with the unprocessed pain from the person you love is crucial.
The problems and behaviors are not the person you love. They are addictions, disorders, and unhealthy behaviors.
So, if you adjust to the addiction or help the person with behaviors that are part of it, you are enabling that addiction. And that doesn’t help your loved one. It allows addiction.
It can be challenging to see or take in that that is what is happening. It is also difficult when you begin to realize what you are doing and decide to stop.
You can feel as if you are abandoning the one you love when they need your help, and they may become angry or accuse you of that, too, because they are used to your participation in their behaviors.
But it is necessary for you and your loved one.
You can stop the behaviors gradually if you are deeply invested in enabling someone’s unhealthy habits, but you need to stop for their sake and yours.
Enabling happens with less severe issues too
Co-dependency and enabling can occur with less severe problems than mental health issues or addiction.
For example, the person you are in a relationship with can have other problems that are not as obvious but still unhealthy.
Those issues can, in many people, be hidden on the outside, and people who are not close to that person may not see them.
But if you know the person well, you probably know if they have problems that affect not only themselves but you and/or others. And if so, you should also look at whether you are helping them keep going (even if it may seem innocent) instead of them getting help or taking responsibility.
You can be there for the one you love without doing what their pain wants
You can be there for the person you love without doing what their emotional pain wants. So, you can hold them, love them, and be there with them. Sit with them in their distress, anger, and frustration. You can love them openly and sincerely. You can pray for them and ask for their healing.
Without doing what they want.
You are there for them when you love them without giving in to their issues.
You are there for their soul, for who they are, for the person beyond all the difficult circumstances and behaviors covering up their inner light at the moment.
That inner light and health are there inside them beyond what you see on the surface, beyond what they are doing and living at the moment.
And that light can be touched in most people, even when challenging behaviors and circumstances are at the forefront of their lives.
When you decide that you love them too much to enable anything that’s not for their health and well-being
Being with your loved one in what they are going through without giving in to the behaviors of their problems is healing, if only in the moment.
It may not help them get well. They may need treatments, and their way back to healing may be long and difficult.
But withdrawing your energy and the efforts that help the issues to carry on in their lives is one step in the right direction.
It is also a step where you decide you love them too much to enable anything that’s not for their health and well-being.
So deciding to stop the enabling behaviors is love.
However, the person who depends on you to be there on their terms may not think so. They may not be interested in your love because they are running from themselves and want you to help them continue to do that. So, they want you to love them on their terms, which are the terms of their unprocessed pain.
But don’t let yourself be tricked into being part of their problem again.
They have to face that issue, and if they are not willing or ready, it is never your responsibility to adjust to their behaviors or to get them to see or heal their pain.
Believe what you see
In these situations, it is essential to believe what you see. Otherwise, it is easy to believe what they say.
Of course, some people lie when they promise to change, but many are sincere when they promise to change and mean what they say when they say it.
So, you may feel their sincerity.
But they can want to change and promise to do so, and still not act accordingly.
So, you need to base your decisions on whether they are doing their part and taking necessary steps toward change or are just promising but not acting on it.
And if they don’t acknowledge that they have a problem, there isn’t anything you can do but take care of yourself and make the right decisions for you.
Another way to love them is to leave
You may also have to leave the relationship. If you have done what you can and the other person don’t do their part, and you and others are deeply affected or become enablers, that may be the only way.
If the person promises things but keep doing what they are doing or don’t acknowledge their issues, there is little you can do.
You don’t have to adjust to or live with someone else’s unprocessed issues.
And sometimes, leaving and withdrawing your attention can become what makes them finally seek help. They may finally see the pain they are in when you are no longer helping them cover it up.
So, sometimes it is necessary to leave. And depending on the issue, you can seek help on taking the proper steps so that you are supported in what you do when you make your decisions.
I wish you and your loved one healing and health.
