A while ago, I read a post about a child that had become very upset because he had gotten his dinner served in a way he didn’t like. He had started crying when dinner was served and screaming that he didn’t want his food that way. I am trying to remember what he didn’t like about the food, but let’s say he wished to have his salad on the side and got the salad with the main dish.
The parents, conscious about what not validating their child’s emotions could do to the child, were validating the child in what he felt. So, first, they hugged him, allowed him to cry, and said they understood his feelings. Then they told him they didn’t know he wanted his dinner served differently.
After a while, the child calmed down, and the feeling around the table returned to harmony. He had fully felt his emotions and could let go.
The emotions we don’t feel become stored inside us
The story about the child and his parents is an example of allowing our children to feel what they feel, even if we disagree with their behavior.
If they are not allowed to feel their emotions, and the feelings are not validated, they store those emotions inside.
The feelings we cannot fully feel when they arise become stored inside us because we are not fully experiencing them. If we do experience them, they pass naturally at the moment we have them. But when we cut them off, they become trapped inside us.
Unfelt emotions can cause negative patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that are repeated in our lives. They can even cause disease if pushed down for too long.
So, it is beneficial to experience our emotions when they occur as much as possible, so that we don’t have to spend so much time running from them or going back later in life to deal with what we have been unable to deal with earlier.
Allowing our children to feel doesn’t mean we let them do whatever they want
The parents of the child in the story knew about stored emotions. So, instead of rationalizing the child’s behavior or telling him why he shouldn’t feel that way, they allowed him to feel.
The story didn’t tell if the child ate the food as it was after he had released his emotions or if he got another serving the way he wanted, but he was allowed to feel what he felt.
But sometimes, people misunderstand what validating their children’s emotions means. As a result, some parents are skeptical and think that they must allow their children to do whatever they want and that they can’t set boundaries.
And some conscious parents are indeed so concerned with allowing their children to feel their emotions that they think they must do what the child wants. Or that they have to allow the child to behave in certain ways, like throwing a tantrum at the dinner table.
But that is not the case.
Allowing our children to feel doesn’t mean we drop our responsibility as parents and let them do whatever they want. That’s not what the child wants or needs.
We can validate and set boundaries at the same time
It is crucial for our children’s well-being that we allow them to feel what they feel and that we validate their emotions, because their emotions are valid: they feel that way. But at the same time, we can teach them appropriate behavior.
It is also my experience that when a child feels validated, safe, loved, and seen, teaching them how to behave in different situations or giving them responsibilities is not difficult. They grow with that. And they don’t take things personally if you have a strong and safe bond where they are seen for who they are.
You don’t have to discipline a child with whom you have built a solid foundation, where there is love, connection, and respect at the core. Nor do you have to walk on eggshells around them out of fear of the next tantrum.
So, validating their emotions doesn’t mean we don’t teach them to respect other people or how to behave at dinner, with others, or in society (of course, it depends on their age to a certain extent).
They can learn to act in ways that are respectful of others without ignoring their own feelings or boundaries. We can teach them to do that without compromising their feelings or who they are.
So we can validate them and set boundaries at the same time.
