Is there a behavior, anxiety, or way of thinking, feeling, or reacting that keeps repeating itself over and over in your life?
- Even if you are aware of it(even painfully aware sometimes)
- Even if you’ve done everything you can to change it
- And even if you believe you know where it comes from (childhood, a past relationship)?
If so, there is a deeper reason underneath it that you haven’t yet found. Otherwise, it wouldn’t keep coming back.
If we want to free ourselves from patterns that repeat themselves, it’s usually not enough to work with the pattern itself. We must eventually go to the deeper places inside where they come from.
If we don’t, the old patterns will continue to be activated in new situations, and in new forms. And we will continue to look at and react to new situations based on the past.
But it takes preparation to reach those deeper places. And you have to move past the inner defenses and distractions that usually come up when you try to go there.
You need a level of presence, inner strength, and experience that’s built over time.
But building that strenght is worth it. Because what you deal with on this level will not come back or turn into something else.
When you reach the root, there is nothing left inside that produces the patterns. So, they don’t just go away temporarily. They dissolve completely.
And when you have done it once, you know how to do it again.
Four steps to get started
Here are four steps to get started: Observe, Stop, Question, Go deeper
1. Observe your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors
Observe your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Be present with the thoughts, emotions, and reactions as they arise. Observe your inner world and your behaviors.
See how you react in certain situations, or what your mind is saying about events or people.
Start with something small, such as being agitated or slightly stressed about what a colleague says or does, and advance gradually and look at your more intense reactions or fears.
When you observe your thoughts, feelings, and reactions:
- You can see them for what they are: thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Not the absolute truth of the situation.
- You can see that you are not your thoughts and reactions. You are aware of your thoughts and reactions.
- You also avoid “becoming” them, or reacting in the ways they want you to react, because you are aware of what is happening inside. You are there as the watcher.
When you observe your thoughts, feelings, and reactions, you are not entirely drawn into them.
You create space between the thoughts and feelings about a situation and the situation itself.
The old patterns may still become activated, but there is space between the reaction and the response.
2. Stop your thoughts, feelings, and reactions
When you are ready, you can also begin to stop the thoughts, feelings, and reactions.
This step requires you to be intensely present when they arise:
- When you feel that you are about to react to something, try to focus on the energy in your hands or on an object in front of you.
- You can also focus intensely on the feeling itself, the feeling in your body.
What you want to do here is prevent the thoughts and interpretations about the feelings from arising. It’s usually the thoughts about what you feel that’s causing fear, anger, and anxiety, not the feeling itself.
The thoughts can’t arise when you are entirely focused on something else, or on the feeling itself. So, when you are intensely present, there is no story to what you feel.
And the feelings can’t spin out of control when you are fully present and focused on what you feel in this exact moment.
So, you feel what you feel without interpreting it or letting it take over.
If you can be intensely present in that way, the feeling will eventually pass. It may even turn into a strong sense of peace.
3. Ask questions about your thoughts, feelings, and reactions
Now you are ready for the next step, which is to delve deeper and ask questions about your thoughts, feelings, and reactions:
- Ask where they come from, what they need, why they are there, what their view of life is.
- Ask your inner life directly. And listen without judgment, without thinking that you already know.
This step is not an intellectual process where you try to figure out the answers. Instead, you are asking your inner life for information you don’t know yet.
If you want the real answers, you need to set aside what you think you know.
You must let go of the reasons why you think you feel the way you do, and even the past experiences that you believe your patterns come from.
So, for example, you may think “I feel this way because I was bullied in high school” or “I react like this because I have an avoidant attachment style since I was emotionally neglected as a child.”
Those reasons and explanations may be true: Your patterns may come from the experiences you think are causing them.
But if you are still reacting, there is still something you don’t know about yet. Otherwise, you wouldn’t keep reacting or keep acting out the same old patterns.
So, you need to let go of the explanations, at least temporarily, when you ask the questions, so that your inner life has space and feels safe enough to tell you the truth.
4. Go deeper: find the root
Now, you might be ready to go even deeper: to go to the places inside where the patterns come from – the places inside where they once started.
That’s where you become free.
If you reach those deeper places, the repeating patterns don’t just let go temporarily. They dissolve completely.
Now, this step is a bit different from the other three.
The first three steps addressed the thoughts, feelings, reactions, and patterns you experience – and showed you how to observe, stay with, and ask questions to uncover the truth about them.
But now we will no longer focus on the patterns themselves. We will focus on what’s underneath them.
Underneath each pattern, there is a deeper cause – something that caused the pattern to develop in the first place.
That cause is usually stored away deep inside, and it has often been kept and hidden there for a long time.
To reach that hidden place, you must move past the patterns and focus directly on where they come from and what they are protecting at the deepest level.
The patterns must trust you
If you wish to go to those deeper places, you must move past the patterns. And the patterns, or the parts of you that are stuck in the patterns, must trust you enough to allow you to do that.
If they don’t, they will do all they can to stop you by trying to get your attention, scare you, or lead you in another direction.
So, it’s beneficial to build trust with them first.
You build that trust by showing them that you are capable of staying with them and holding them, and that you can handle what they have to share with you (in steps 1-3). And by showing up for yourself and your inner life, again and again, even when it feels difficult.
The parts of you that are stuck in the patterns want to let go and give back control to you.
They do.
But they need to see that you are a safe person to let go to before they feel safe enough to do so.
A difference between the patterns and the causes
Before you start practicing step 4, there is one more thing you need to know:
There is a difference between how the patterns and the deeper causes show themselves when you work with them.
This is important to know before you start practicing because it makes it easier to know if what’s revealing itself is a deeper cause, or if it’s the patterns/defenses that are trying to lead you away to protect you.
When the deeper causes reveal themselves:
- They don’t come with a backstory or explanation for why they are there (the way the patterns do).
- They don’t give you context or their view of life.
- They show you the truth directly.
So when you reach one of these deeper places, what reveals itself is:
- The moment or event that caused the pattern to develop in the first place.
- The moment someone said something that shaped how you see yourself.
- Or the moment you were hurt by someone you loved.
- It can also be a belief you hold that you weren’t aware of that shows itself. But if so, it’s just the belief, no story.
So, it’s not thoughts about what happened, or a story explaining why it happened.
It’s the moment itself. That instant where something happened that made you (unconsciously) close off a part of yourself.
Or the belief itself. A belief you didn’t know about that may have affected how you experience yourself. (But just that – the belief itself, without any story about why you have it.)
When the causes reveal themselves, they surface into your conscious mind from the deeper levels of your inner world. And when they do, you sense in your entire being that the truth is being revealed.
There is no second-guessing, no nervousness around it, no “what ifs”, and no backstory.
The backstory or explanation may emerge later, as part of the integration. But when the truth is revealed, it just shows itself as it is.
When you know, you know.
It takes preparation and practice
It usually takes a lot of practice and preparation, and mastering the former 3 steps, before the deeper causes start to reveal themselves to you.
Just like the parts of you that are stuck in the patterns, these “locked away” parts need to trust you to tell you the truth.
They need to see that you are steady, and that you can handle the truth before they tell you.
And you show them that by showing up, again and again, with the smaller things.
The more they see that they can trust you, the more likely it is that they will reveal the truth.
How to start practicing
Now, if you feel ready, here is a way to start practicing:
- Begin by asking the patterns to allow you to talk to the deeper part that they are protecting.
- Thank them for all the information they have provided so far about why they are there and their view of life (step 3).
- And tell them that you are ready to take over now, that it is safe for them to step aside, and that you want to go deeper.
Then shift your focus toward what’s underneath them.
- Now, ask questions to that deeper part of you that is “locked away” underneath them. Ask it to reveal the truth behind what you are experiencing.
- Ask it what it needs from you to feel safe, if it has anything to tell you, if it’s ready to share its truth with you, and if it would like you to do something to make it feel safer or ready.
- And then, listen to what comes through, without judgment.
When you ask these questions, you must be open to what your inner life has to tell you.
And just as in step 3, you need to set aside what you think you know, so that your inner life feels safe enough to share the truth.
Don’t rush the process
If you experience fear that feels overwhelming, stop and go back later. Or practice the other three steps again and again, until you are ready to come back here.
If you react or have strong negative feelings toward the process or that deeper part of you that you are trying to connect with, acknowledge that.
And if you can, stay. And otherwise, come back later when you are ready.
It’s also essential to practice self-love when you work with these deeper parts. That puts you in a state where you are more ready to hold yourself and listen to your inner life with compassion and genuine kindness.
Soul retrieval
Finally, think of this step as a form of soul retrieval.
You are retrieving a part of yourself that you had to close off at some point in your life.
Either because you didn’t have the support or capacity to handle something that happened back then.
Or because a belief was “planted” inside at an early age when you couldn’t yet think critically.
But now, you are getting ready to go back to that inner place again. And when you do, you get a chance to:
- Take care of and hold what you couldn’t back then.
- Allow the patterns that once seemed impossible to break to dissolve completely.
- Lay down the burden of the past and let go of what you have been carrying inside for years, or even decades.
- And bring back the parts of yourself that you once left behind.
I wish you all the best.
Love,
Hanna
Since this post includes part of my process, here is a disclaimer:
This post shares insights and practices from my own work with the unconscious and subconscious mind. They are for educational purposes only and are not personalized guidance, therapy, or medical advice, and do not take your individual situation into account. Your choices and how you apply this information are your own responsibility. If you are dealing with mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional.
Engaging with this content doesn’t create a teacher–student or formal working relationship.
About Hanna Stenefalk
